It is with a heavy heart that I blog today. I rarely blog about extremely personal events because I don't just want anyone to read them. But today, a college friend is remembering the year anniversary of her baby girl being born beautiful and healthy, taking her home, and holding her while she took her last breath at a precious two days old.
It was a horrible experience, to say the least. I will not even try to write of the depths of sorrow their family endured. I cannot understand. I do not want to be able to understand, for only a first-hand experience could make it hurt like she hurt.
What I do know is that to lose a baby is very heart-breaking. Over the past few years, we have miscarried two precious babies. Those were black, rayless times in my life. But God carried us through them, and proved His grace to us!
My first miscarriage was in May 2006, before I had any children. It was the hardest. I felt like we'd waited to long. I felt like there was a beautiful reward for us...just out of reach.
The second miscarriage was in October 2010. We already had our two boys, so it seemed much easier. We knew we wouldn't be childless. But it was still very heart-rending, and I spent much time in tears. But very soon after that, we found out we were expecting Eva, and God used that to heal me.
Recently, the Duggar family miscarried a baby. They shared a picture of that baby's hand on her hand. There was a lot of controversy about the photograph, and whether or not they should have posted it. But I'm so glad they did!
You see, I have nothing tangible from my babies. My miscarriages were early, within one week of finding out they were on the way. That made it SO much easier. But in a way, I would love to have known if they were boys or girls, or one of each. I would love to give them a name, and seal a place in my heart. I would love to have a picture, and a favorite outfit they wore, something to hold onto. But I know that with that sweetness would also come a much bigger hole in our lives.
I'm so thankful for Heaven where loved ones are quickly moving. Our babies are there. They are with Jesus, and I know we will be all together again.
Is my story sad? Yes, it is sad, but not compared to so many others. But I'm thankful that the story WILL have a happy ending, for Heaven is real.